Rainbow Rocks. Oh boy. Time to hit the pony-bars and forget this thing.

When Equestria Girls came out last year, the fan base couldn’t seem to agree on anything about it. Some people loved it or hated it all the way, while others were mixed. I was in the hater camp. I grew up watching countless numbers of girly kids movies thanks to my sisters, and I have developed a high tolerance for their stupidity. But EG made me cringe so hard my face hurt for a week.

The MLP series is renowned for its good writing and general rejection of stereotypical girly crap, and to see this series using the cliches it’s tried to avoid is really bothersome. Rainbow Rocks does little to improve upon its predecessor’s faults. It continues with the same cliches and lame jokes that plagued the last one. Even looking at it from a strictly narrative standpoint and ignoring my own biases, the story doesn’t flow. At least Equestria Girls had decent pacing.

 Do you like boring cliches? No? Rainbow Rocks will be sure to disappoint. The “battle of the bands” bit has been done to death, and we all know it’s just going to end with usual “Friendship really is magic!” message. Sunset Shimmer finally gets some character development, as she struggles to rebuild her social life after blowing up the school in the last movie. This could have been a great direction for the movie to follow, because the few scenes that address that bit are really good. Unfortunately, it’s largely glossed over in favor of the other characters and some surprisingly mean-spirited jokes at Sunset’s expense.

Sunset is sort of the main character this go round, in that she does exactly what Twilight Sparkle would be doing if she wasn’t moping, but the movie focuses more on the band instead of her. The band dynamic gives way to nothing but arguing between the Mane 6. Rainbow Dash acts like a jerk the entire time, and Rarity does nothing but whine about dresses. I like both of these characters, but all Rainbow Rocks does is use their worst traits and not much else. The villains of the movie cast a spell on the school that causes everyone to argue, but I think the Mane 6 already had that problem to begin with. 

Speaking of which, the villains in Rainbow Rocks are actually pretty interesting this time. In the last movie, Sunset Shimmer was just a generic bully character, but this go-round we get a trio of evil sirens. They don’t have much motivation beyond “we’re evil”, but the three have good chemistry and have the only funny moments in the film. The fight scene with the villains at the end is pretty neat as well. It’s kinda like that cool DJ battle in Scott Pilgrim vs The World, but unfortunately they opted to end it with the typical “Explode them with a rainbow” tactic from the show.

I can’t do this review without putting in my own fedora-clad brony opinions. If you are a Twilight Sparkle lover like yours truly, you will be sorely disappointed. She’s barely in the movie and even then mostly just mopes. That is not the cute nerd we know and love. Plus Brad shows up and is a total waifu-stealing asshole until Trixie gets in the way. Screw you, Brad.

Speaking of Trixie, I will admit that the fanservice isn’t nearly as painful as last time. Aside from the random Maud appearance, the obligatory fan favorite cameos aren’t jarring like they were in the last movie. Like the show, they’re either just in the background or used briefly as a sight gag. Not nearly as in-your-face as the insufferable peanut butter crackers “joke” from EG. 

I’d also like to point out that post-credits scene. What was that about? Twilight is still there? Like regular, in the person-verse Twilight? How did that break the universe twice? Also, that mirror-transporting-book bullcrap doesn’t fly with me. Yeah, it’s a show with talking unicorns, but I can only suspend my disbelief so much. The characters, let alone Twilight, have never been able to build something that complex and scientific in the show unless it was for some one-off joke. I ain’t buying that.

Overall, it’s about the same as Equestria Girls. If you liked the first one, you’ll like this one too. If you hated EG, you’re not going to like this one any better. It’s more of the same, and it all depends on whether or not you wanted more to begin with. It wasn’t for me, both on a personal level and a snobby critic level. As far as kids movies go, it’s far from the worst one out there, but I feel like the MLP series deserves better.

Got-dang furries getting their fanart all in my horror games.

I start college tomorrow. This may affect post frequency but hopefully the quality of my posts will improve greatly between updates. We’ll see how this plays out.

I start college tomorrow. This may affect post frequency but hopefully the quality of my posts will improve greatly between updates. We’ll see how this plays out.

And for a brief moment in time, I was king of the world

And for a brief moment in time, I was king of the world

In which I draw more bullcrap. In which I draw more bullcrap.

In which I draw more bullcrap.

Drawings of who knows what. Nice to have the tablet again.

I seem to have the inability to learn from my mistakes, because I have yet again listened to Tumblr’s movie suggestions. This time I watched the 2000 Dreamworks movie The Road to El Dorado. I have become infected with the Dreamworks smirk. Someone call a doctor.

For once the Tumblr hivemind was onto something. This isn’t actually that bad of a movie. For a kids’ film, it’s pretty solid. As long as you don’t mind the usual cliches that run rampant in kids’ movies, you ought to have a good time.

The movie follows two con men who find the legendary city of El Dorado. The citizens of El Dorado mistake them for gods and then hijinks ensue. It’s a straightforward and predictable story, but the characters make up for it. The two con men befriend one of the Mayans, and the three have really good chemistry. There’s a lot of fun banter between them, and most of the jokes hit. Surprisingly the movie steers clear of the usual potty humor and is mostly just funny dialog and slapstick. It’s refreshing to see that for a change.

The other strong suit of the movie is the animation. I wish Dreamworks still did traditionally animated movies, because this movie looks fantastic. The character designs are great, and the locations are gorgeous. The animators did a great job capturing the look of Mayan artwork and architecture. It’s a very unique look, and anyone interested in animation is sure to pleased with it. 

Overall, it’s a pretty good kids’ movie. The songs are painful to sit through and there are a lot of narrative cliches, but the same could be said of most kids’ flicks. If you have children or siblings that want to watch a movie, this is a good one to put on. It’s entertaining enough if you have to watch it too, and it’s not going to rot your kid’s brain or anything. It’s not the kind of movie you necessarily need to seek out, but if you get the chance to watch it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Netflix is awash with all sorts of no-budget horror mashups. From Zombie Strippers to Sharknado, there’s no shortage of awful B-Movies. However out of the mire comes Cockneys vs Zombies. This poor man’s Shaun of the Dead is the cream of the crap. 

There’s not a lot to say that the title doesn’t already explain. Do you want to see cockneys fight zombies? Of course you do. Watch this movie. 

The premise is incredibly stupid and the movie just runs with it. It doesn’t try to be anything more than it is- a ridiculous horror-comedy full of swearing Brits. A team of bank robbers and a group of retirees banter back in forth in near-unintelligible cockney accents. If that appeals to you, it delivers.

It’s far from perfect and even farther from being good, but it’s a fun ride. If you want mindless entertainment that’s of some (minimal) substance, this is the flick for you. Decent effects, decent performances, ludicrous zombie action, it’s all good.

Oh boy. Unpopular opinion time.

The internet was abuzz with talk about Guardians of the Galaxy this year. The biggest question seemed to be “How will mainstream audiences be able to handle a talking raccoon and a giant tree-man?”. The answer is simple- Water everything down to a family and consumer friendly package. Who cares about those trivial things like interesting characters and a compelling story? They’ve got to make their money back, darn it!

I’m not exactly a big expert when it comes to the GotG comics, but I have been reading the current series since it started last year. The thing I like the most about the series is the characters and their banter. The clashing personalities of the ramshackle team leads to great dialog and is generally fun to read. How does the film adaptation hold up? Well, they at least made them look like their comic book counterparts. Sorta.

Star-Lord is the resident Han Solo of the series. In the film, he’s just a generic bland protagonist. Chris Pratt was great casting for the role, but the writing is so bad that he can’t make much of it. Gamora is the other Han Solo of the series. (Okay, the entire team is just a bunch of Han Solos.) She’s a badass space assassin, but in the movie she’s kinda just there. Her fight scenes are scant and boring, and she’s completely butchered by a wooden performance. Zoe Saldana is easily the worst performance in the movie. When you’re being out-acted by Vin Diesel and redneck Michael Rooker, you know it’s bad.

Drax is basically Gamora mixed with Arnold Schwarzenegger. In the movie, he’s inexplicably gray (pulling a Hulk, maybe?) and played by professional wrestler Dave Bautista, who unsurprisingly gives a dull performance. (Seriously, stop putting wrestlers in movies. They can’t act.) Rocket Raccoon is the only enjoyable character in the film. Bradley Cooper is great at capturing the spirit of the angry runt, and the CG for the raccoon is never once distracting. It’s still clearly an effect, but it’s such a good effect that you don’t notice. God bless you, you crazed rodent. Groot is the team’s Chewbacca, a lumbering behemoth that can’t speak coherently. Unfortunately he’s relegated to the dopey comic relief for the film. They even gave him a more family friendly look, vaguely reminiscent of that guy from Little Big Planet, instead of his usual intimidating appearance.

So, they almost completely ruined the main characters. Surely the movie is at least nice to look at, right? Right? Nope. Take every boring sci-fi cliche and toss it in there. Generic dark/dank prison full of exposed pipes and circuitry? Check. Generic craggy abandoned planet? Check. Pristine 50’s-esque utopia? Check. Pointlessly shadowy and cavernous bad guy ship? Check, check, check and check. 

I’m pretty sure 90% of the budget went to Rocket Raccoon and Groot. The CG on the pair looks great. It’s not distracting at all, and they both are stunning to look at. Well, except Groot’s face. Poor guy got turned all market-safe and sweet. The rest of the effects must have been an afterthought. The space battles and landscapes are all just generic CG crap, and it’s neither convincing nor interesting to look at. Even the alien designs are awful. Taking a page from the original run of Star Trek, the makeup team just slapped body paint and forehead prostheses on the actors and called it a day. Seriously, Karen Gillian looks like a cosplayer and less like a character in a big-budget blockbuster movie.

The story is crap, too. I’m sick of every superhero movie feeling the need to be an origin story for the first film. It leads to the same narrative structures and tropes and I can’t stand it anymore. Why not go the route of the original Batman or X-Men and only show origin stories in flashbacks, if at all? Plus the whole “Star-Lord’s mom died” thing has almost no payoff and only serves as a cheap way to make you sympathize with his wooden plank of a character. Michael Rooker’s character was equally pointless and annoying, too. The villains are rushed to make room for the “getting the team together” crap, which is a shame because Ronan the Accuser and Nebula seemed like interesting villains. It feels like their whole purpose was to introduce Thanos for Avengers 3. Thanos is definitely a highlight of the film, but I’d rather have more of the other villains. Stick to your own movie, Thanos.

Overall, this is a dull mess of a movie. The characters are shambling unfunny husks of their comic book counterparts, and there’s nothing fun to look at to distract you. Rocket Raccoon is awesome, but the little fuzzball is hardly enough to carry the film. It’s not particularly funny either. The jokes are few and far between and the ones that are actually funny are even fewer. The Avengers was more of a comedy than this crap. I’m shocked Marvel screwed this up so badly. Heck, even the soundtrack sucks. If you like out of place 70’s soft rock, then go buy yourself a ticket. Otherwise, skip this piece of interstellar debris and watch something else. After this, I’d rather see a Howard the Duck reboot than a GotG sequel.

askpun:

Hooray for 15,000 followers! And for all the other Tumblr ponies out there; that feeling you get when somepony else has more followers than you think you’ll ever have? Don’t be discouraged: nearly all of us feel the same way!
Featuring my friends and rivals, which you totally need to go follow because your favorite pony commands it!
Movie Slate, who runs a theater in PonyvilleFuselight, a handypony who can fix anything but his love lifeJade Shine, the mechanically inclined pegasiPirate Dash, whose puns make mine better by comparisonBacky, queen of buttsDiscord Whooves, the grumpy GallifreyanFluffle Puff, because reasons.
Artwork by CrisPokeFanScript #1384

I have 64 fans. Almost there! askpun:

Hooray for 15,000 followers! And for all the other Tumblr ponies out there; that feeling you get when somepony else has more followers than you think you’ll ever have? Don’t be discouraged: nearly all of us feel the same way!
Featuring my friends and rivals, which you totally need to go follow because your favorite pony commands it!
Movie Slate, who runs a theater in PonyvilleFuselight, a handypony who can fix anything but his love lifeJade Shine, the mechanically inclined pegasiPirate Dash, whose puns make mine better by comparisonBacky, queen of buttsDiscord Whooves, the grumpy GallifreyanFluffle Puff, because reasons.
Artwork by CrisPokeFanScript #1384

I have 64 fans. Almost there! askpun:

Hooray for 15,000 followers! And for all the other Tumblr ponies out there; that feeling you get when somepony else has more followers than you think you’ll ever have? Don’t be discouraged: nearly all of us feel the same way!
Featuring my friends and rivals, which you totally need to go follow because your favorite pony commands it!
Movie Slate, who runs a theater in PonyvilleFuselight, a handypony who can fix anything but his love lifeJade Shine, the mechanically inclined pegasiPirate Dash, whose puns make mine better by comparisonBacky, queen of buttsDiscord Whooves, the grumpy GallifreyanFluffle Puff, because reasons.
Artwork by CrisPokeFanScript #1384

I have 64 fans. Almost there! askpun:

Hooray for 15,000 followers! And for all the other Tumblr ponies out there; that feeling you get when somepony else has more followers than you think you’ll ever have? Don’t be discouraged: nearly all of us feel the same way!
Featuring my friends and rivals, which you totally need to go follow because your favorite pony commands it!
Movie Slate, who runs a theater in PonyvilleFuselight, a handypony who can fix anything but his love lifeJade Shine, the mechanically inclined pegasiPirate Dash, whose puns make mine better by comparisonBacky, queen of buttsDiscord Whooves, the grumpy GallifreyanFluffle Puff, because reasons.
Artwork by CrisPokeFanScript #1384

I have 64 fans. Almost there! askpun:

Hooray for 15,000 followers! And for all the other Tumblr ponies out there; that feeling you get when somepony else has more followers than you think you’ll ever have? Don’t be discouraged: nearly all of us feel the same way!
Featuring my friends and rivals, which you totally need to go follow because your favorite pony commands it!
Movie Slate, who runs a theater in PonyvilleFuselight, a handypony who can fix anything but his love lifeJade Shine, the mechanically inclined pegasiPirate Dash, whose puns make mine better by comparisonBacky, queen of buttsDiscord Whooves, the grumpy GallifreyanFluffle Puff, because reasons.
Artwork by CrisPokeFanScript #1384

I have 64 fans. Almost there!

askpun:

Hooray for 15,000 followers! And for all the other Tumblr ponies out there; that feeling you get when somepony else has more followers than you think you’ll ever have? Don’t be discouraged: nearly all of us feel the same way!

Featuring my friends and rivals, which you totally need to go follow because your favorite pony commands it!

Movie Slate, who runs a theater in Ponyville
Fuselight, a handypony who can fix anything but his love life
Jade Shine, the mechanically inclined pegasi
Pirate Dash, whose puns make mine better by comparison
Backy, queen of butts
Discord Whooves, the grumpy Gallifreyan
Fluffle Puff, because reasons.

Artwork by CrisPokeFan
Script #1384

I have 64 fans. Almost there!